I would be lying if I said that I wasn't extremely nervous about writing this entry. Setting up this blog was easy but now comes the part where I actually have to write about all the dirty, not so pretty stuff that until now I have only talked about writing about....basically it got real. But as I sat in church today one verse that really stood out to me was Acts 18:9-10 "Now the Lord spoke to Paul in the night by a vision, "Do not be afraid, but speak, and do not keep silent; for I am with you, and no one will attack you to hurt you' for I have many people in this city."
The stories I tell may be a far cry from the Bert Davis some of you know and that's ok. This isn't about making me famous it's about making God famous and about being real and truthful. I desire to speak the Truth of God's Word, His Works, and His Hope that has come through my life as I have learned to trust in Him and have a real, living, breathing relationship with the God that created each and everyone of us. These stories are not meant to make me look good and they won't. They are made to paint a true picture of real life stories leading to a real life experiences.
1 John 1:3-4
I'm not really sure where my insecurities came from. My need to be of value to everyone. My need to feel wanted and to feel that I was the best at something, everything. I grew up in a great family. Lots of love and support. Not a lot of pressure to be or not to be anything. No traumatic events to mark any root of feelings of insecurity. They were just there, particularly from middle school age on. Maybe I wasn't the star athlete that every girl wooed over. I was a decent track athlete but for some reason the ladies didn't line up for the skinny kid in the shorty shorts that could run a quick mile. Not a lot of masculine security surrounding that persona I suppose! But for whatever reason, I have always felt that underlying desire to not just be "good enough" for someone but to be THAT person that someone couldn't live without. That my team couldn't live without. That my girlfriend couldn't live without. That my (fill in the blank) couldn't live without. A feeling of irreplaceable significance. I grew up in a small town and, let's be honest, those opportunities were few and far between when it came to the ladies. I went to church (the one with the cute girls of course). I believed that God existed, I prayed, I sang, and went through all of the motions that made me a good Christian boy in the eyes of everyone else. I even led a Bible study at school! So basically I was golden with God right?! Did it really matter if I got drunk on the weekends? I was basically following all of the other rules...that would keep me grounded right?!
Looking back I couldn't have been more wrong. You see I was missing the whole point and once I hit a college campus with a female to male ratio of 7:1 that quickly became aparent. My foundation was tested and my foundation failed. Why? Because my foundation was based on the value others placed upon me. I believed that the other guys thought I was awesome when I would pick up a girl at the bar and take her home. I filled her void of insecurity while I filled mine. I did it way more times than I can count. The more girls that I hooked up with the more secure my "man card", was my mentality. I was the life of the party, the girls liked me (at least 4 out of the 7 did), what more could I ask for?! I was still somehow to my surprise empty.
Acts 3:18-23
John 15:5
Then I landed a hot popular girlfriend, a sweet internship, I played in a band, I even had a new car with leather interior, basically I was living the dream!
Until one day I heard the words "I'm pregnant," followed by the phrase "I think I should get an abortion." A drastic turn from the good little Christian boy that had it all together. A decision needed to be made and I was in a position to make one of the most important and most significant decisions of my life. Was it still all about me?? Was my "religious background" enough to help me stand up and make the right decision??
Jeremiah 29:11
