SAFE

“Divorce” That’s a tough word. We throw it around a lot. Disconnected from the consequences of it, it’s in some ways just another word. I am here to tell you, however, that it’s way more than that. It’s the single most difficult event I have been through in my entire life and I highly recommend against it. What I do know is that God can and does take horrible, tragic moments in our lives and turn them into something beautiful and amazing, if we let Him!

Divorce was, put simply, as if I had died. As if my entire life had just disintegrated. Imagine having everything around you as you know it, family, friends, home, life, suddenly gone or at least changed forever. That’s what divorce does.  I felt numb for quite a while. I cried a lot. I remember having to pull over into parking lots because I couldn’t see to drive. The pain, the numbness, the hopelessness, and helplessness were so incredibly real and overwhelming. See the world we live in wants to paint a beautiful picture of redemption and freedom that comes with divorce.  A fresh start!  Something brand new!  That’s complete and 100% you know what.  Any person that ever says divorce wasn’t painful for them is not telling the truth. Yes there are a lot of instances where divorce is a safety issue. It’s a last resort sometimes. That’s a whole other conversation, but that doesn’t mean it’s painless. It still hurts tremendously.

So did it happen overnight? No. My divorce came from so many different factors and the ultimate decision to follow through with it wasn’t an impulsive gamble. I’m not going to focus on all the factors right here but what I do want to do is confess where I went wrong.  

There is a relationship order to life:

1) Relationship with God

2) Relationship with your spouse

3) Relationship with children

4) Everything else

You have to get #1 right. Period. None of the others matter or work if that one is askew. The order of number 2 and number 3 are also very important. After kids we sometimes get those two a little mixed up. We think the kids need to be number 1. That’s what is best and that’s what is going to help them and make them successful right? I can promise you that they need number 1 and number 2 to be in order way more than they need to be #1. What I had wrong was that my order was number 3, 4, 2, and then 1. That alone was a recipe for disaster. My marriage didn’t even need all the other factors that contributed to the divorce. That was enough to make it a failing operation. Trust me, you can fight off #1 for a very long time. A lifetime if you want. But ultimately it will matter.  Numbers 2, 3, and 4 will only survive alone for so long.

So, I had failed because my lack of a relationship with God had left me struggling to figure out to properly live my role in the rest of the relationships. Yes I went to church. Yes I was a being a good person. I was a good hard working employee,  a great dad, and really not a bad husband. Checklist complete! Hey, I had a nice house in burbs, a good school district, went to church one a month or so, stable job…..that was it right? Living the dream!?  Why would anyone want to divorce me? Her loss right? Freedom! I’m moving on to someone who realizes what they got right?! Nope. Loss was loss. And I felt it hard.

I couldn’t do it myself anymore. I was leaving my house one night before my divorce was final. Leaving my kids and leaving someone who was still my wife behind. I felt the weight of a 1,000 elephants on my chest. I never felt like I would ever actually do anything to harm myself. I knew I wouldn’t.  Mainly because I knew how much hurt I would cause to my family and my kids. What I did know was that my life was somehow suddenly felt meaningless.  Sure deep down inside I knew I that wasn’t true but that doesn’t mean I still didn’t feel it. That night I called a very close friend of mine in counseling and literally cried out for help. I told him how I was feeling and that I knew deep down that I needed the advice of a Christian counselor who was going to help me sort through these feelings. I found one and they really helped me get a grasp on the reality of what was going on, the reality of what I needed, and how I needed to be thinking.  With the help of counseling and some amazing friends listening and guiding me, I turned my attention at that point to the Lord. I cried out to Him and He was there. As I prayed to Him I could literally feel His arms around me. I absolutely felt the presence of God in my life each and every day. That doesn’t mean the days were easy because they definitely were not. Life took a while to feel “normal” again. I did, however, have a larger Hope and a deeper Peace than I had ever had in my life. It’s like the world was still crumbling down around me but I was standing tall and God was standing right there protecting me. Life began to look and feel different and I began to view it differently. “I AM going to be ok.” 

I definitely didn’t deserve any of this from God. Think about it this way, if you had a friend that lied to you more than could be counted, stole from you, talked bad about you, showed up only when they needed something, and was never  really thankful for any of it, would you still be their friend? Would you have the strength and heart to forgive them? What kind of relationship would you have with this person even if you did forgive them? Certainly you couldn’t trust them!  That’s basically what I did to God my entire life yet He was still there for me when I cried out to Him. He literally saved my life and didn’t care about any of that other stuff I did to Him. None of it! That’s absolutely mind blowing!

There is a song by Phil Wickham called “Safe” that came on the radio a lot during this time period and it really helped me a ton. It’s like God knew I needed to hear it!  I screamed it so loud sometimes in my car that I am certain people thought I was crazy. Especially since I was usually also singing in my ugly crying face. I didn’t care though because these words hit closer to my heart than anything I could ever put into words myself. That’s the beauty of music and why I love it so much. It’s so real! Read this song line by line and really think about what it says. I promise you they’ll hit you somewhere. These lyrics and those Bible verses that I left you with last time were extremely significant during this time in my life and I am honored to share them along with my heart.  Next time I will talk about the Redemption and Grace that God has shown me over the past 3 years of my life.

 
"SAFE" by Phil Wickham

Filling the Unfillable

So I want to start this month's blog off by saying thank you to all of the people who read my last entry and to those who reached out to me as a result. In the first week of posting that blog 1,200 people read it and I received countless number of emails, texts, and messages from people saying how much it touched them. Some it spoke to a specific event that they went through or are going through. Some people close to me were surprised to hear the things that I spoke about because they never knew any of it....I told you I hid it well! I decided to call my parents and talk to them about the events that I written about because, honestly, they never knew any of that happened. Family members reached out to tell me they were sorry that I had to go through any of it and that I should've come to them. Truthfully, if I had I probably wouldn't have listened. I was blind in every since of the word. Thankfully, I am miles away from that time and place now and I am here to tell my story and take what was intended for evil and turn it into good.

After college I had followed my dream of being a musician. I was fortunate enough to travel around the southeast with a great band and play alongside some great musicians. I partied, I played, I slept in random hotels, cars, etc. It was a great experience but something was missing. I made some terrible choices and never really felt complete despite being able to do what I loved and had always dreamed of doing. I remember the day the band came to me and said that they were moving on without me. This hurt but it was probably in their best interest looking back.

So I was in a bad place right? Two abortions, heavy drinking, living life one moment at time, and making really bad choices in those moments. Another dream gone. Even after all of these "wake up and slap in the face" moments, I continued living for my immediate pleasure and not considering any of the consequences that would come along as a result. The last girlfriend had left me, I had slept around for while, and now I had found another girlfriend. I was searching for something that made me happy and made me feel complete but nothing was working. This new girlfriend completing me any more than any of the others had. Why couldn't I just find the right wife, the right career, perfect family, with the white picket fence (golf slacks and polo shirt not included)?! I had looked everywhere! Everyone around me seemed to have some semblance of what I was searching for. Where and how were they finding it?! Then it happened again. My girlfriend was pregnant. To answer your question, yes I am well aware of how that happens. When you're drunk and in the moment, you don't think. When you have no regard of anyone's pleasure but your own and a girl says ok, you don't think. You just do it and worry later about the details. Well now here I was again worrying about the details.

This time, however, would end up a little different. My girlfriend thankfully was pro life and never considered an abortion. I say thankfully because I doubt that I would have had the strength to stand up and fight any other decision she could have made. Thankfully, because I wouldn't get to help my son in the afternoons with his homework. Our first fishing trip with my dad last summer never would have happened. I wouldn't have the joy of sitting down at his drum set with him and teaching him how to play or going on a father son walk around the block and talking about life. He is truly a blessing and I am thankful that he wasn't another statistic.

So we ended up married and our son was born 4 months later. These were finally the steps in the ladder of life that I had been searching for. Marriage check. Kids check. Career? I was working on it. I was taking courses and working towards getting into Physicians Assistant school. I had applied the year before our son was born and was waitlisted but never got in. It was ok though. I had steps one and two of life and step three (career) would come if I just kept working at it. I was good right? I wasn't drinking much anymore. Started going back to church when I felt like it. I was being a good dad. But wait....something still felt missing! It's that dang career thing I thought. A job with better money is what I needed. If I could just get into school, get that job, buy a better house, nicer cars, didn't have to stress so much about bills, 401k, college savings, I would be right where I needed to be and I could finally have that joy that I was searching for.

A few years later I ended up with the perfect house, a new daughter, we weren't rich but we weren't as poor as we once were. I hadn't gotten into school yet and my career still needed work but I was pressing hard towards my goal and was hopeful that my day would come. Life was progressing in the right direction according to what I thought it should look like. Then BAM!! Divorce. That's a horrible word that I thought I would never experience. But then again, who says "when I grow up I want to be divorced one day!"

Next month I will take you through what that looked like and felt like for me. I am only taking credit for what I did and didn't do in my marriage. As I said in my introduction post, I am not here to destroy anyone else's reputation. There were definite things that I lacked as a husband that ultimately hurt my marriage. That's what I am going to talk about. Hopefully I can speak to other husbands who may be struggling with leading their family and marriage by telling my story. God has done ridiculously amazing things through this tragic event in my life and I want to tell everyone about it. I am leaving some verses below that have been huge for me over the last few years. If you're struggling right now or looking to fill that void, I encourage you to pick up a Bible. It's the best novel ever written and it's based on a true story. The best thing about it is that it's over 2,000 years old yet it helped save my life and continues to do so each and every day. It's not a dead book written by men but a living word written by God! As always, email me at bertdavis2000@gmail.com for any questions or comments. Thanks for reading and I can't wait to continue my story next month!!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him and He will guide your path."
-Proverbs 3:5-6

"Better is little with fear of the Lord than great wealth with turmoil."
-Proverbs 15:16

"We love Hime because He first loved us."
-1 John 4:19

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart."
-Psalm 37:4-5

"Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me."
-John15:4

"Now Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
-Hebrews 11:1

The Dark Mask

As it turns out, I did not have what it took to ensure that the right decision was made and followed through. I remember feeling and knowing that an abortion was not the answer. Was I mature enough to have a child? NO WAY! Were we in a position to provide for a child in the way that we thought we should? NO WAY! The truth is that had we had that child, who would now be a teenager in high school, we would have struggled and it would have been hard. The only thing, however, that we needed in that situation to provide everything that child needed was God. Period. Unfortunately, neither one of us knew Him in the true sense and we made a decision that would haunt us for years to come.

I don't know what ever happened to my girlfriend. We never really dove deep into the pain that came with that event. We chose to bury it. I remember hurting deeply. I remember drinking to mask the hurt. I smoked pot and did cocaine to mask the hurt. I remember doing anything and everything to pretend like it never happened and that it was just one of those things that "we had to do."  Pretending that I believed it was the "right" decision. Truthfully, it wasn't. It hurt. My girlfriend hurt in ways that I will never understand. I hurt in ways that I can never explain with words. My unborn child never was. This event, and events to come, only dug the knife of insecurity deeper and made me feel even more like I would never be that "someone" to anyone.

Because I masked this pain and never addressed the difficult and unwise decision that I had been a part of, I would find myself in the exact same place just a few years later with a different girlfriend. How could I get back to this place? I am destined to be this horrible of a person? Is this just who I am and who I was meant to be? How could I put someone through this much hurt again as a result of my selfish, uncensored, and unfiltered pleasure? These are all some of the thoughts that went through my head. I was in a very dark place. A place that, in all honesty, I had been in for years. I found myself stealing from roommates, taking out a pay day loan to pay for my girlfriend's abortion, and all the while smiling and pretending everything was ok. The end result was the same. I had lived through yet another abortion. I had hurt another girl's heart. I had dug that dagger of insecurity even deeper into my own heart.

During this time in my life I spent a lot of time and effort blaming Christians and criticizing church as a whole. They were hypocrites,  I said. They just smile and pretend it's ok and talk behind your back. They were all screwed up on the inside but faked it so well on the outside. This was my attitude towards anyone who called themselves a Christian. Funny how similar that looked to who I was at that time. There is a type of emotional behavior in the psychiatric field called cognitive dissonance (defined below). It's an avoidance tactic that I became very good at. Alcohol was my medicine of choice and I drank it very well. I like to say that I was never an alcoholic. In the medical sense of withdrawal and all of the clinically related aspects of the word I probably wasn't. What I was, however, is socially and psychologically dependent on alcohol. It made me happy (at the time). I became the life of the party. It gave me the opportunity to share stories and a common bond with my friends. Most importantly, it helped me to cover up and avoid facing any real issues. I was broke because of bar tabs. I was unmotivated and lazy because of hangovers. I was, in every sense of the word, depressed and drinking was my ironic solution.

So, what's the God side of this part of the story? Where does He factor in? Where was He through all of this? Isn't he The All Mighty and powerful, couldn't he have stopped this and/or saved me, my girlfriends, the abortions? The answer to all of these questions is yes and He did but, unfortunately, this is an ongoing blog. So to get the rest of the story you'll have to keep reading. I will, however, leave you with this verse to ponder until next time. Remember that it's not presence of God that is absent but it is our lack of acknowledgement and pursuit of Him that keeps up from His promises.


But from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul.

Deuteronomy 4:29New King James Version (NKJV)

Cognitive Dissonance: Tension between thoughts and actions inconsistent with those thoughts. A tense and uncomfortable contradiction exists unless your actions support your thoughts and beliefs. To close the gap and relieve this tension humans often revise their thoughts to support their actions. People who cannot stop smoking convince themselves that smoking is good. They highlight the relaxation, autonomy, sophistication, weight control, and maturity symbolized by smoking. They certainly don't emphasize the health risks, expense, and filth created by the habit they cannot escape. Irrevocable bad decisions are similarly defended. People who bought the wrong car, lost money in the stock market, went on a disappointing vacation, or got a bad haircut spontaneously invent clever defenses for the actions they are now stuck with. What is remarkable is how strongly we believe these self-justifying stories when we make them up ourselves.
Source: http://www.emotionalcompetency.com/

When Religion Meets Insecurity

I would be lying if I said that I wasn't extremely nervous about writing this entry. Setting up this blog was easy but now comes the part where I actually have to write about all the dirty, not so pretty stuff that until now I have only talked about writing about....basically it got real. But as I sat in church today one verse that really stood out to me was Acts 18:9-10 "Now the Lord spoke to Paul in the night  by a vision, "Do not be afraid, but speak, and do not keep silent; for I am with you, and no one will attack you to hurt you' for I have many people in this city." 
The stories I tell may be a far cry from the Bert Davis some of you know and that's ok. This isn't about making me famous it's about making God famous and about being real and truthful. I desire to speak the Truth of God's Word, His Works, and His Hope that has come through my life as I have learned to trust in Him and have a real, living, breathing relationship with the God that created each and everyone of us. These stories are not meant to make me look good and they won't. They are made to paint a true picture of real life stories leading to a real life experiences.
1 John 1:3-4

I'm not really sure where my insecurities came from. My need to be of value to everyone. My need to feel wanted and to feel that I was the best at something, everything. I grew up in a great family. Lots of love and support. Not a lot of pressure to be or not to be anything. No traumatic events to mark any root of feelings of insecurity. They were just there, particularly from middle school age on. Maybe I wasn't the star athlete that every girl wooed over. I was a decent track athlete but for some reason the ladies didn't line up for the skinny kid in the shorty shorts that could run a quick mile. Not a lot of masculine security surrounding that persona I suppose! But for whatever reason, I have always felt that underlying desire to not just be "good enough" for someone but to be THAT person that someone couldn't live without. That my team couldn't live without. That my girlfriend couldn't live without. That my (fill in the blank) couldn't live without. A feeling of irreplaceable significance. I grew up in a small town and, let's be honest, those opportunities were few and far between when it came to the ladies. I went to church (the one with the cute girls of course). I believed that God existed, I prayed, I sang, and went through all of the motions that made me a good Christian boy in the eyes of everyone else. I even led a Bible study at school! So basically I was golden with God right?! Did it really matter if I got drunk on the weekends? I was basically following all of the other rules...that would keep me grounded right?!
Looking back I couldn't have been more wrong. You see I was missing the whole point and once I hit a college campus with a female to male ratio of 7:1 that quickly became aparent. My foundation was tested and my foundation failed. Why? Because my foundation was based on the value others placed upon me. I believed that the other guys thought I was awesome when I would pick up a girl at the bar and take her home. I filled her void of insecurity while I filled mine. I did it way more times than I can count. The more girls that I hooked up with the more secure my "man card", was my mentality. I was the life of the party, the girls liked me (at least 4 out of the 7 did), what more could I ask for?! I was still somehow to my surprise empty.
Acts 3:18-23
John 15:5

Then I landed a hot popular girlfriend, a sweet internship, I played in a band, I even had a new car with leather interior, basically I was living the dream!

Until one day I heard the words "I'm pregnant," followed by the phrase "I think I should get an abortion." A drastic turn from the good little Christian boy that had it all together. A decision needed to be made and I was in a position to make one of the most important and most significant decisions of my life. Was it still all about me?? Was my "religious background" enough to help me stand up and make the right decision??
Jeremiah 29:11

Introduction

Our lives are riddled with choices. Sometimes they are easy. Sometimes they are hard. Sometimes what seems like the obvious choice turns out to be quite different from what we imagined. I have wrestled many times with a lot of these choices that I have made in life, particularly the ones that didn't turn out so well. Isn't it funny how the good decisions often get pushed to the back but the poor choices sit right up front practically driving the bus?! It's easy for me to look back at those times and regret or wish that I had done something different instead of taken them forward with me and being thankful for the lessons and often beautiful blessings that have come out of them.
I have decided to start this blog as a way of walking through my life in a way that is real, honest, and that paints a beautiful picture of where God has taken me and continues to take me. I hope to paint a drastic contrast between my choices apart from God and my choices when I am seeking Him first. I plan to post one blog post each month that walks through a particular time or event in my life that has shaped who I am and where I am in life both positively and negatively.
I want to make it very clear that this blog is in no way directly from any ministry that I am involved in. They are directly representative of my heart. These posts will inevitably involve events surrounded by other people but I will, at all costs, protect the privacy of the other people involved. Some of them aren't likely to be pretty and might be uncomfortable for me to write about, but I know that God doesn't call me to be "comfortable". My goal through this is not to damage anyone's character, including my own, but to hopefully speak to others through my life experiences. Maybe no one ever reads it and it's just a method of catharsis for me. Maybe it speaks to a difficult situation someone is going through right away. Or maybe someone stumbled upon them later and God saves their life just as He saved mine (we'll get to that part).
I know that my experiences may seem small in comparison to many of the hurdles that some people face in life but what I do know is that God gives each of us our own story for a reason and it's not to sit around and be quiet about what He has done. They are called stories for a reason! Through my stories I hope to take you on a journey of God's purpose and grace in my life. I hope you enjoy!

My first post will be in a few days so stay tuned.