SAFE

“Divorce” That’s a tough word. We throw it around a lot. Disconnected from the consequences of it, it’s in some ways just another word. I am here to tell you, however, that it’s way more than that. It’s the single most difficult event I have been through in my entire life and I highly recommend against it. What I do know is that God can and does take horrible, tragic moments in our lives and turn them into something beautiful and amazing, if we let Him!

Divorce was, put simply, as if I had died. As if my entire life had just disintegrated. Imagine having everything around you as you know it, family, friends, home, life, suddenly gone or at least changed forever. That’s what divorce does.  I felt numb for quite a while. I cried a lot. I remember having to pull over into parking lots because I couldn’t see to drive. The pain, the numbness, the hopelessness, and helplessness were so incredibly real and overwhelming. See the world we live in wants to paint a beautiful picture of redemption and freedom that comes with divorce.  A fresh start!  Something brand new!  That’s complete and 100% you know what.  Any person that ever says divorce wasn’t painful for them is not telling the truth. Yes there are a lot of instances where divorce is a safety issue. It’s a last resort sometimes. That’s a whole other conversation, but that doesn’t mean it’s painless. It still hurts tremendously.

So did it happen overnight? No. My divorce came from so many different factors and the ultimate decision to follow through with it wasn’t an impulsive gamble. I’m not going to focus on all the factors right here but what I do want to do is confess where I went wrong.  

There is a relationship order to life:

1) Relationship with God

2) Relationship with your spouse

3) Relationship with children

4) Everything else

You have to get #1 right. Period. None of the others matter or work if that one is askew. The order of number 2 and number 3 are also very important. After kids we sometimes get those two a little mixed up. We think the kids need to be number 1. That’s what is best and that’s what is going to help them and make them successful right? I can promise you that they need number 1 and number 2 to be in order way more than they need to be #1. What I had wrong was that my order was number 3, 4, 2, and then 1. That alone was a recipe for disaster. My marriage didn’t even need all the other factors that contributed to the divorce. That was enough to make it a failing operation. Trust me, you can fight off #1 for a very long time. A lifetime if you want. But ultimately it will matter.  Numbers 2, 3, and 4 will only survive alone for so long.

So, I had failed because my lack of a relationship with God had left me struggling to figure out to properly live my role in the rest of the relationships. Yes I went to church. Yes I was a being a good person. I was a good hard working employee,  a great dad, and really not a bad husband. Checklist complete! Hey, I had a nice house in burbs, a good school district, went to church one a month or so, stable job…..that was it right? Living the dream!?  Why would anyone want to divorce me? Her loss right? Freedom! I’m moving on to someone who realizes what they got right?! Nope. Loss was loss. And I felt it hard.

I couldn’t do it myself anymore. I was leaving my house one night before my divorce was final. Leaving my kids and leaving someone who was still my wife behind. I felt the weight of a 1,000 elephants on my chest. I never felt like I would ever actually do anything to harm myself. I knew I wouldn’t.  Mainly because I knew how much hurt I would cause to my family and my kids. What I did know was that my life was somehow suddenly felt meaningless.  Sure deep down inside I knew I that wasn’t true but that doesn’t mean I still didn’t feel it. That night I called a very close friend of mine in counseling and literally cried out for help. I told him how I was feeling and that I knew deep down that I needed the advice of a Christian counselor who was going to help me sort through these feelings. I found one and they really helped me get a grasp on the reality of what was going on, the reality of what I needed, and how I needed to be thinking.  With the help of counseling and some amazing friends listening and guiding me, I turned my attention at that point to the Lord. I cried out to Him and He was there. As I prayed to Him I could literally feel His arms around me. I absolutely felt the presence of God in my life each and every day. That doesn’t mean the days were easy because they definitely were not. Life took a while to feel “normal” again. I did, however, have a larger Hope and a deeper Peace than I had ever had in my life. It’s like the world was still crumbling down around me but I was standing tall and God was standing right there protecting me. Life began to look and feel different and I began to view it differently. “I AM going to be ok.” 

I definitely didn’t deserve any of this from God. Think about it this way, if you had a friend that lied to you more than could be counted, stole from you, talked bad about you, showed up only when they needed something, and was never  really thankful for any of it, would you still be their friend? Would you have the strength and heart to forgive them? What kind of relationship would you have with this person even if you did forgive them? Certainly you couldn’t trust them!  That’s basically what I did to God my entire life yet He was still there for me when I cried out to Him. He literally saved my life and didn’t care about any of that other stuff I did to Him. None of it! That’s absolutely mind blowing!

There is a song by Phil Wickham called “Safe” that came on the radio a lot during this time period and it really helped me a ton. It’s like God knew I needed to hear it!  I screamed it so loud sometimes in my car that I am certain people thought I was crazy. Especially since I was usually also singing in my ugly crying face. I didn’t care though because these words hit closer to my heart than anything I could ever put into words myself. That’s the beauty of music and why I love it so much. It’s so real! Read this song line by line and really think about what it says. I promise you they’ll hit you somewhere. These lyrics and those Bible verses that I left you with last time were extremely significant during this time in my life and I am honored to share them along with my heart.  Next time I will talk about the Redemption and Grace that God has shown me over the past 3 years of my life.

 
"SAFE" by Phil Wickham